i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
