it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
