You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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