Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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