omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
