I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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