This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville