Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
