im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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