I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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