I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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