I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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