we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize