this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
