oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
