Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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