I want to have your abortion
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
