just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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