Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
