theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
