We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
