i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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