I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
