you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
