Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
