Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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