I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i now understand why vodka
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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