I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
