I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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