I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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