I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
