I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize