there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
