How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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