I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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