Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
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Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
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I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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