You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
