if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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