we're chasing vodka with high fives
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i came on her dog
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
