If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
