I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
