i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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