We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
