Where did you get a picture of my penis
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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