if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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