He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
