I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
