12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
