I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
