I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
