i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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