just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
