I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
