It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
