I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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