You smell like a Billy Joel song
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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