ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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