i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
