I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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